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Starting the Channel Diaries feels like coming back home. My business started with a blog…and everything grew from there. As it grew, it shifted. As I grew, I went through phases of taking massive steps back, and learning to protect my energy. There were times I had to shut the whole world out to figure out my boundaries. Learning the dance between sharing my life with people but also keeping certain things sacred and close to my heart.
I’ve been guided for quite a few months now to start this series, and my immediate response was a burst of excitement. But as I leaned into it, I noticed a lot of fear coming up. It felt so right in my body to go back to my “roots” – sharing my thoughts, experiences, musings… I know I am here to write. But the truth is that I have also had a lot of resistance, for a number of reasons.
Blogging started off as a passion project for me years ago, but over time it turned into a chore, and something I resented. It felt like I was pouring all of myself into something that really wasn’t getting the return I needed back. It didn’t feel like a fair energy exchange. And the more my business grew, it turned less personal and more educational, which didn’t really excite me. I was doing what I thought I had to do, instead of what I wanted to. I didn’t realize that at the time, though, because I was living based on routine and habit instead of any actual awareness about how I was feeling about anything I was doing. I was also still in the belief that I had to struggle and suffer to create what I wanted.
I shared so much of my health journey. So many incredibly vulnerable things that I know most people would not share – but I’m happy to. That’s authentic for me. It’s part of what I’m here to do — talk openly about the things that other people don’t. But the thing about sharing is that people often assume that means you want their opinion, and it doesn’t. I had so many people in my ear telling me what they thought I should do, unsolicited, and I really was not interested in hearing it. I also understood that was part of sharing things publicly on the internet, which is why I simply decided to remove myself for awhile. And while I did, I savored my personal life, and started to feel like I didn’t want to let anyone in on it again. As I started to really honor myself and my energy, I realized I didn’t want to share my energy or life with anyone who did not deeply appreciate it or fully see me. Fully on the other side of the spectrum.
I also just got busy. I couldn’t keep up with everything and I was getting stressed keeping up with it. I prioritized what had to get done for my business, and alone time. I realized that I had to put myself in a personal bubble for a period of time if I really wanted to heal. My health had been up and down for quite some time, and I felt so many people’s energy tugging on me. I really needed to hermit. I knew I wasn’t going to get better until I did.
And I’m so glad I did. I needed that time for me. My life completely changed. Everything opened up. It felt like I entered this personal vortex where I went through an entire lifetime, a secret lifetime that no one else knew about, that was preparing me to come back to this one. I went from holistic nutritionist to full-blown channel. Completely shifted my worldview. Viscerally remembered why I came here and what I was meant to do. Went to cosmic school every day. My daily life turned into spiritual experiences that I knew 99% of the population would never believe. Shed so many layers. Literally became a different person. And all of that transformation had to be done while I was in my cocoon.
It’s weird but exciting going back to blogging again — it feels like creating what I always wanted it to be. What I loved about blogging from the beginning was that it combined so many of my favorite things – writing, a creative outlet for my thoughts (I have a lot — defined mind and ajna — they need a place to go or I feel like I’m going to explode), and community. That’s what I loved most about blogging consistently. The community, based on real resonance. Not fluffy stuff. The real stuff.
Like I said, I’ve gotten the intuitive guidance to start this for months, but only now am I really doing it. The resistance was really around the fear of the past repeating itself. What’s really the point? How is this really going to serve people? Am I going to invest a ton of my energy into something only to feel like I’m not receiving in return again? Am I going to feel overloaded with people’s energy again? Do I really want to share my intimate thoughts? My sacred experiences that are for me?
My ego / fear had lots to say. But my soul knows more. I don’t have to understand why, all I know is it’s incredibly important. And even when the intuitive guidance seems completely random and unrelated to what we are focusing on in our lives, it is always connected. Our ego just can’t see the whole picture.
Beyond that – I am craving a creative outlet – a place to express myself more deeply and clearly. I have also really wanted a space to explore more of what it’s like being a channel, and create some more separation between my personal experience / explorations and my work / channeling. They are intertwined, but different threads. I really want to share more of what it’s like behind the scenes, in my own process. That’s the truth about being a channel, an intuitive, a healer. It is a wild ride. I am consistently pushed past my limits. Learning more about myself. On the journey. Having plenty of human moments. Cracked open.
And, quite honestly, I want a record of it for when this incarnation is over for me. This is my last one! My friends always say I should have a reality TV show…this is probably as close as we will get.
I will also add, I would like to move my focal point off of social media and onto my own platforms.
The deeper I go on on this path, the more I surrender. It hasn’t been an overnight thing for me. There is a deep level of trust required to truly surrender to the process and allow Source to work through you – to set your ego aside and move forward with decisions even though none of it makes logical sense.
A few weeks ago I had a very serious conversation with my Highest Self, with my Council of Light, with my most trusted guides. And it was time for me to really to go the next level of surrender and ego death, and to trust I would be supported through it. What that meant was dedicating myself to honoring my truth and authenticity. Speaking my truth. Even if other people don’t like it. Doing all of the things that don’t make sense logically but that I know on a soul-level I have to do. Staying aligned with the mission. Fulfilling it. No more wasting time. Tuning in daily to what needs to be done to serve the mission and not questioning it with my ego. Allowing myself to be a vessel for the divine. That means releasing the “thinking” – and just letting it flow through. Trusting that as things are released and rearranged, it is all for OUR highest and best.
This next level of surrendering has meant a lot of changes – within me, in my life, in my business, all around me. And part of that is starting up this series.
This is meant to be open space where I will share my personal reflections, learnings, and experiences — a creative outlet for what’s on my heart, and a “safer” space to share experiences and ideas that perhaps not everyone is “ready” for…but you probably are if you’re reading. To create a more intimate community again.
That is what you can expect from the Channel Diaries.
And so it begins.
xx
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